


TOWN - Balthazar's Perspective

by sylviamorris



Category: Lovely Little Losers
Genre: Drinking, M/M, Pining, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-08-10
Packaged: 2018-04-13 22:44:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4540254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sylviamorris/pseuds/sylviamorris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Balthazar wants to be with Peter and also doesn't. </p><p>"He knows Peter is using the excuse of filming to watch him. He can hear the softness and nervousness in Peter’s voice. It’s not the same voice he uses with Ben or Freddie. Or anyone else, for that matter."</p>
            </blockquote>





	TOWN - Balthazar's Perspective

**Author's Note:**

> NB: This is how I imagine Balth is thinking and feeling. His thoughts re: Peter only sometimes match up with mine.

Balthazar still catches Peter staring at him. He knows Peter is using the excuse of filming to watch him. He can hear the softness and nervousness in Peter’s voice. It’s not the same voice he uses with Ben or Freddie. Or anyone else, for that matter.

And people are still always talking about Peter with him. Or rather, talking around the topic of Peter with him. Balthazar has now heard advice and caution and encouragement. He’s seen people looking at him in confusion and in sympathy. Ben’s pitying expressions. Ursula’s “I wish you would tell me what’s going on” glances. Balthazar has heard jokes assuming they’re together and jokes assuming they never will be. He ignores them all equally. His relationship with Pedro, with Peter, may have always been somewhat public property (sometimes it seems everyone he knows has watched those videos) but no one else ever really got it, because they weren’t there. They weren’t there when it was just him and Peter lounging in the backyard without any pressure to be anyone else or figure out what their deal was. They weren’t there for all the phone calls and gmail chats, drunken and sober, in which they both said too much and too little. They might have seen the looks Peter gave him (God knows he’s not subtle) but they really didn’t understand.

And regardless of whatever he and Peter are, or are not, they are somehow still a pair. It’s still Peter and Balthazar both to themselves and to everyone else. And they have an unspoken solidarity. When Balthazar broke up with Damian and Peter asked if he was okay, Balthazar slipped up and told him the truth (“I couldn’t be with him because I spent too much time thinking about you”). And the next day Balthazar, with a twisting stomach, sent another message to say “you should forget about what I said last night. i wasn’t trying to start anything. just pretend i didn’t say it.” And Peter didn’t tell anyone. Wouldn’t tell anyone. Even when Beatrice pulled his hair and demanded to know why he was so upset. Peter’s got his back. And Balthazar has Peter’s. He makes sure Peter has water for when he wakes up with a hangover. He tries to cancel out all of Peter’s bad decisions by minimising their consequences. He buys milk so Ben and Freddie won’t shout too much. When Ben outrageously thinks it’s okay to ask Balthazar and Peter how they feel about Freddie being “unsatisfied” with their love life and pathetically attempts to find out what the deal is with their relationship, or lack thereof, Balthazar can smile at Peter and together, as a team, they can ignore Ben. Because one thing they both know is that whatever they have going on, it’s that neither is going to feel the need to explain it to someone else.

When Peter pulls Balthazar under his arm it’s not a big deal. They hug all the time. Balthazar has already hugged Freddie and Benedick this evening. It’s not a thing. Except it is. But right now, it’s nothing. Nothing they can’t deny, anyway. Peter’s hand sits in a fist on top of his shoulder. And later Peter pulls him in closer, gently squeezing his arm. Nothing that can’t be denied. It hurts in a familiarly comforting way, like his fingertips do when he plays ukulele after a break.

When they make it into the next bar, Peter is twirling a coaster around his fingers and Balthazar thinks that he could reach out now and hold his hand. He won’t. He knows that. But he wants to. And he could. And he knows what would happen if he did. Peter would smile at him as if he thought Balthazar made the fucking world spin round. Peter would probably lean forward and kiss him then and there. So Balthazar doesn’t. And won’t. There are too many consequences. It would mean too much. He couldn’t take it back with a text that says “pretend that didn’t happen”. His stomach hurts just thinking about it. Peter interrupts his thoughts with “Balth, are you okay?” and Balthazar lets himself look straight at Peter. No mask. He wills Peter to read all the feelings it’s too risky to say. Fife and Drums start and Peter smiles and holds out his hand for a dance, and Balthazar lets himself dance a little closer, look a little longer, and smile a little freer than he thinks is wise.

When it’s over he finds himself talking with Freddie, while Peter laughs with Benedick, and the moment fades and that’s okay. It was what it was. It is what it is.

Balthazar lets himself sober up a little after that. He doesn’t want to wake up too hungover. But with every drink he refuses, he sees Peter drink two. And the more Peter drinks the less he seems to look over at Balthazar. He’s too busy looking at everyone else. And they look back at him. Of course they fucking look back at him, all carefree and warm and pretty.

He remembers that Peter has a test on Monday.  
Peter seems to know every person in the bar and they’re all giving him drinks.  
He remembers that Peter didn’t go to any classes on Friday.  
Peter is kissing a guy that Balthazar doesn’t recognise.  
He remembers Peter waking up on Tuesday and mumbling that he needs to drink less often, before laughing and downing a coffee.  
Peter is dancing with someone else.  
He remembers how Peter used to talk big about the future and who he wanted to be and now the furthest he thinks is next weekend.  
Peter is taking a selfie with yet another person he seems to know and Balthazar doesn’t.

And Balthazar is done. Done with the evening. Done with being in love with Peter Donaldson. This is why he didn’t reach out his hand before. He knew that later he would want to take it back. Balthazar knows that Peter Donaldson is bad for himself and, if they went out, Peter would be bad for him too. And he knows that it’s not fair to go out with someone when you want them to be someone else. Even if that someone else is someone they once were, or might one day be. Balthazar knows not to do it. He didn’t reach out and hold Peter’s hand, no matter how much he wanted to.

As they walk home, Balthazar puts his arm around Peter’s waist to hold him steady and Peter’s arm flops over his shoulders. It doesn’t hurt like before, all familiar and comforting. He just feels numb.

But the further they get from the city, and the more Peter sobers up, the better Balthazar feels. All four of them are walking quietly and the cool night air washes over his face. It makes him feel like the world is okay and that this is the most important part of life. Just this. Not the lights and noise and drinking of town. Not the missed lectures and failed assignments of university. This is what matters. And this is okay.

Balthazar wishes they could keep walking forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I'm on tumblr as sylvia-morris (for art) and sylvia-morris-reblogs (for everything else) come say hi or something :)


End file.
